Man in the Mirror

We're only 2 weeks into the new year, and I've had to revisit this subject for myself.

As the Michael Jackson's song goes: 'I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways...'

Everybody wants to live a happy and contented life - how ever that might look for you. So perhaps you- like so many other people- decided that this year (2025) would be the year that you commit to changes, implementing new habits, or achieving those goals/dreams. They could be big goals such as running your first marathon or introducing a healthy habit such as eating breakfast every morning. The first few days might have started great as your excitement and commitment was high. But then life begins to happen and before you know it, you're back to the ' you' of 31st December 2024. Side note: studies show that 88% of people who have made New Year's resolutions fail before 31st January rolls around. Other studies show a slightly higher rate of success, whereas others a lower one. But this blog is not about holding to New Year's resolutions - although I will get back to it in a moment. Rather it's about the excuses and the blame we use to validate our uncomfortable experiences of life. Yes, this does link to NY resolutions :)

The truth is that how we are experiencing our lives begin and end with us. In short, we are responsible for the fulfilment and enjoyment of our lives. That means I cannot blame someone else for the drama. I cannot blame my spouse or kids or parents, friends, work colleagues, or neighbours for what mishap or uncomfortable situation is occurring. What I am addressing right now are the 'every day' situations that can throw us- the arguments, bad traffic, leaving your wallet at home, being stuck with the bill and etc and etc. You get the gist, yeah? So often, we are prone to point the finger elsewhere in these frustrating situations.

Here is my helpful tip: Take a good look in the mirror.

Taking a look in the mirror is not about blaming yourself. It's about deliberately looking at yourself first. You are the only one who has the power to determine how you will choose to let this situation impact you. Again, this is not about blaming yourself but rather about taking full responsibility for how you will experience life in this situation. This includes what you will continue to think (or brood about), how you will now feel (your emotional state/energy) and how you will respond - verbally/actions (no action or silence is still a response). It's realising that you have a choice in that moment and what you choose will determine how you will experience your life - not the other person's life. Your life. Imagining that you are looking in a mirror is you having an eye to eye conversation with yourself.

Here's a personal example: A couple of months ago when paying my phone bill on line, I inadvertently made the payment to an old phone account number (same utility company). I didn't realise the mistake until I received a 'missed payment' notice on my phone. I thought that was odd and checked to see whether the payment had gone through. Yes it had, so I decided to ignore the text thinking that there was simply a delay in them receiving it ( I was one day late). After I received the next bill with the additional amount for the missed (still missing) payment, I checked my bank statement and then discovered the error. I called the company, waited on hold for roughly 30 minutes and was then informed that a refund cheque for the amount had been sent to my address. I had not received a cheque and hence asked to confirm the address. The address was a previous one even though they had the current address on file. The account had been closed when we moved interstate. They informed me that they could not simply transfer the mistaken payment to the current account (same mobile phone number but different address). They assured me that the payment would be transferred to my bank account. I gave them my details. A month later - still no bank transfer or cheque. I then received 2 bills - one for the current account and one showing a credit for the same phone but for the old address. Again I got on the phone, explained the situation- no refund and now 2 bills (one showing a credit) for the same phone but different addresses. It was another long process - almost a full hour. And again I was reassured that a cheque would be sent to the correct address. A refund directly to my bank account was not possible- not sure why they requested my bank details. They once again reassured me that my personal details were up to date and that the account in question was indeed obsolete.

Now I could have gone down the thought track of:

'When I owe you money, you expect payment promptly. But when you owe me money, I must wait "...up to 4 weeks".'

'This is incompetence! How can you send a cheque to an old address?! How secure is my personal information?! And why was my bank account details requested?!"

I could have spoken rudely to the second person on the phone. I had already noted my mistake, but they were also at fault now.

The metaphorical mirror

By looking in the metaphorical mirror, I can ask myself "How do I want to experience this situation?" At the time, going back to the above example, my patience was waning and I was frustrated and really annoyed. But in-between the conversation and listening to on-hold music, I pushed the mirror exercise, asking myself how I wanted to experience this frustrating situation.

Another way of saying it is "What feelings and thoughts do I want controlling me right now and mostly likely, the rest of my day?"

Yes, I made the initial mistake and now a frustrating situation has resulted (still waiting on the cheque). But I still got to chose how I wanted this situation to impact me. This is where the power lies in experiencing life the way you decide. I chose to think: "Okay, this was my mistake in the first place. I'll give it until the end of January and then I'll address it again if no refund has arrived. If anger and frustration comes up, I will deal with it then... or voice it constructively. " " I don't want to feel like this right now. It's gonna ruin the rest of my day and probably effect the rest of the family when I interact with them." " I'm going to chose to think about whether I use that refund money for the next bill or reward myself for not losing my crap." This last thought in particular produced a different feeling - one that I preferred and very much liked. Why? Because I turned my attention onto something more positive and constructive even though it wasn't a reality as yet. In essence, nothing had changed about the situation, but I took ownership of how I wanted to experience it.

The example might seem trivial or even too simplistic, but let me encourage you to please give it a go. Perhaps you're thinking: "But what about boundaries, speaking up or injustices?" Could I encourage you to shelve that for now, and just focus on the myriad of other situations that arise - like getting stuck behind a slow driver or a rude comment from a customer, or having to attend a function that you would prefer to decline. We allow so much in life to rob us of our happiness and peace when it is simply not necessary. We allow these small matters- although our egos can make them seem like mountains- to ruin the moment and most often our day.

And as for the abandoned New Year's resolutions, check to see whether you have blamed someone or some external circumstance for you giving up. The ability for success, contentment and joy lie within us. We might not get to choose the experience but we are the deciders of how we will choose to experience it- every moment of every day.

Live Boldly

Live Passionately